"At my 8th grade graduation from a strict parochial school, I received the "General Excellence" award. While my parents were quite proud (and relieved!), as I reluctantly accepted the medal, I knew there was something not quite right and that it wasn't really the honor it appeared to be.
Years later I realized that a more accurate name for it could have been the "Best Conformist" award. I was excellent at following directions, impeccably following instructions, not questioning the rules and quietly doing whatever I was told, mainly out of fear. I naively believed what all the adults in my life, at home, school, anywhere told me.
Creativity of any kind was not encouraged. I remember once being reprimanded in front of the class by a teacher as I watched her rip up my creative work because I decided to write my homework out in a pretty slanted font instead of the usual print font. Being quite shy, I was mortified and petrified, and vowed to never again do anything different that might bring attention to myself.(ok, I know that sounds dramatic, but I was hormonal, emotional and 13!)
My parents were loving and did the best they knew how, but the phrase, "No, you can't do that! What would people think? How would it look?" came up a lot.
I learned to hide and deny my authentic self, true feelings and desires. As time went on my true self was being buried deeper and deeper by the outer conditioning field, and I played roles that seemed "acceptable" to society, my family and friends. I tried to convince myself that this is just how life is, and that if I weren't happy, there was something wrong with me.
Depression ran in my maternal side of the family and I figured it was inevitable for me too. I bounced from job to job, never quite finding my niche, still believing there was something wrong with me. I got married, had 2 beautiful children and kept pushing.
Consciously I couldn't name anything specific that was "wrong." In fact everything appeared to be fine - great even.
Then about a month before my 40th birthday I was diagnosed with colon cancer - on Halloween, interestingly. God really has the best sense of humor. I was hiding my authentic self under a mask!
I went through lots of fears, tears, regrets, bargaining with God, deep sadness, anger, blaming myself, my husband, my parents, my cats, the busdriver, my 8th grade teacher, and the stupid psychologist who years before didn't know how to help me (only kidding, I liked her!)
Then at one particular doctor's visit, the strangest feeling came over me. As the doctor handed me a script for my next medical test, it felt like he just handed me a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card!
At that moment, I gave myself permission to boldly follow my JOY.I didn't know how much time I had left to live, but I was going to spend it following my BLISS, something I had never allowed myself the pleasure of doing, or even thought of as an option!
And somehow I was going to do it and still be the best wife and mother I could! I wanted my children to learn by my doing, not my talking, that living with joy is the best way to love the people around you.No, the house wasn't as neat, and I counted ketchup as a vegetable more than a few times, but somehow it was fine, it was "perfect" for then.
I saw a woman with a t-shirt on that said, "If I ain't happy, then NOBODY'S happy!' And the element of truth to that, as well as the opposite - "If I'm happy, everybody's happy!" became clear. Since we are vibrational beings, others feel our "vibe." We pass our vibes around, just like we pass cold germs around when we shake hands.
That's what's meant by "The greatest gift I can give to others is my own happiness."
I had been an avid student of general self improvement books, tapes and coaching programs and had invested a LOT of time, money and energy over the years to "help" myself, but there was always something missing for me.
Most of the speakers and coaches I had been following had a "do it my way or you'll fail" ego based attitude, and my insecurity fed right into it. Eventually I realized that I WAS doing it their way and had even WORSE results than when I did it on my own!
One mentor told me that my lack of results was because I didn't follow his instructions properly. Knowing how great I was at blindly following directions (hey, I had a medal to prove it right?) I realized that I needed to find that elusive missing element.
Growing up Catholic, I always prayed and loved the peacefulness of going to church, but I never felt I could "receive" messages from Heaven. I experimented with other religions, but still something always felt missing - it was INTUITION.
It was time for me to go beyond the constraints of religion and dive into deeper spirituality and learn how to connect with my inner wisdom, my intuition (which to me is the voice of God speaking directly to me.)
I absorbed as much as I could from any source that called to my heart, including Hay Houseauthors, and from ANY OTHER speaker, author or WHATEVER that just felt right to me.
I took any and all courses that were calling to my heart!
For the first time in my life, I counted as perfectly valid reasons for doing or not doing things ~ "Because it feels right to me." or "No. Why not? Because it just doesn't feel right for me." PERIOD!
It took a cancer diagnosis for me to give myself permission to NAVIGATE MY JOY and to allow my authentic self to shine through!
This was a completely new way for me to live and make decisions. I un-subscribed from all the "free" email newsletters that were unconsciously draining my energy, steering me off MY track, or causing me to feel inadequate in any way.
If it didn't feel good to me, I released it. I didn't even need to know why. If it felt good, I moved toward it.
I simply TRUSTED my intuition.
Wow, this felt AWESOME! I learned that intuition is not about trying, it's about ALLOWING. That was fine with me since I didn't have much energy during my year on chemotherapy. All I have to do isRELAX? Wow, I could really get into this intuition stuff!
I learned that it's about clearing outwhat doesn't serve - including limiting beliefs, resentments, and anything that might be blocking connection to Source. It's about being open to receiving guidance,trusting the guidance that comes, and finally, having the courage to act on that guidance! Following intuition is a process, not a "right" and "wrong."
I was very excited to start listening to my intution instead of all the "gurus" and leaders I had put my faith in. I could feel immediately that this was going to be the most fun I've ever had! And since I had cancer and might die soon anyway, for the first time in my life...
I didn't care what anyone thought! Woo Hoo I was free!
(***NOTE ~ I have been healthy since my diagnosis in 2002. I consider that situation healed.)
Remember how I said God has a sense of humor? Well, I wasn't kidding. The Universe is brilliant. My intuition was about to lead me down a path that in one fell swoop, would allow me the opportunity to:
- Deal with my FEARS about what other people think of me
- Practice and experiment with this new amazing connection with my INNER WISDOM
- Develop my SENSE OF HUMOR
- Learn to LOVE ALL OF MYSELF UNCONDTIONALLy, even the "bad" things
- Play with expressing my CREATIVITY
- Honor who I AUTHENTICALLY am
- Assess my beliefs around PERFECTION and IMPERFECTION
- Have FUN while still being RESPONSIBLE and true to myself
- Experience the power of GRATITUDE
- LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH!
- HEAL from the inside out, instead of just experiencing a superficial, incomplete "cure" for the cancer.
How? Believe me when I tell you this was NOT my idea! During the "cancer time" I kept a journal to help me deal with all the emotions and events that were occurring. One day I wrote down that I should do a "cancer comedy" about my experiene. That it would help not only my only healing, but that it would help others and have other benefits as well. Oh, yeah, and I should call it ~
"THE POOPINATOR!"
I IGNORED it the first time. After all, I had NO - NADA - NOTHING - experience in writing, performing, acting, drama, comedy or public speaking. I vowed to never bring attention to myself back in the 8th grade, remember?! Now I'm supposed to go on stage in front of people and call myself the "Poopinator". I don't think so!
Well, when this idea still was coming up in all kinds of intuitive ways for me after a YEAR, I decided that it wasn't going to leave me alone until I did it! Ok, now what? No, wait, forget it, I CAN'T! Come on, God, I know I asked to have fun listening to my intuition, but THIS? this is just a little extreme, don't you think?
Well, about another year and a half later, I was up on stage doing colon cancer comedy calling myself The Poopinator and having a BLAST! I made a lot of "mistakes" but somehow it was "perfect". The colon cancer comedy show called "The Poopinator: Patient 295" was born.
Sure I hit a lot of resistance from well meaning family and friends, trying to protect me, or others just appeasing me. Not everyone I invited came to that first show, but there was a beautiful group of supportive people there, that years later, as I write this, I still get goose bumps of gratitude at their support and response.
**That's when I first understood that we can't please everyone, and that I wasn't here for everyone. When we are authentic, the people who are in alignment with us will find us, and we will find them.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS BE OURSELVES, and everything else falls into place!
The Poopinator taught me to love myself - ALL of myself in all my imperfections, and to love others in theirs. The Poopinator taught me to be true to myself, to not worry what others think. That the real PERFECTION is in the authentic creative expression.
The Big Poop taught me to laugh at myself (with love, of course), to LAUGH MORE because it's good for me, to not be afraid to experiment, that we don't really make mistakes, to have more fun, to follow my joy, to worry less, and to trust more.
It took a cancer diagnosis for me to start navigating my joy. Instead of a mid-life crisis, I was given an opportunity for a "mid-life awakening." I also know that it doesn't have to take such a dramatic event to turn around a life of quiet desperation into a life of joy and purpose.
I believe part of my joyful purpose is to assist others who desire to live authentically but need a little boost.
Navigating joy doesn't mean my life is always "happy", but it does mean that no matter what, I have an inner peace like never before.
And that is my wish for you too!"
With much love and joy,
Mary
Mary Andrews is a certified life coach.
"The Poopinator®" is a registered trademark
" A joyful heart is good medicine...." King Solomon, Proverbs 17:22
